Ah, the great dilemma of what to watch now that the ghouliest, most monsterific month out of the year has come to a close. With the end of Halloween, we are left with the faint echoes of zombies stomping, vampires biting, and witches cackling... or are we? There are some great horror movies to be seen during and after the most frightful time of the year. Just because individuals aren’t dressing up in cheap costumes and acting like silly willys doesn’t mean that we need to give up on these creepy, disturbing, and slashtastic movies. So if you still have a taste for the undead, I present you with my reviews of the horror flicks that I viewed over the past couple of months.
I know first hand that one could easily be flabbergasted by the plethora of spine tingling movies that exist in our world. Sadly, most of these flicks that flock under the guise of horror films emit such a foul stench, that they can barely be considered films at all. Some horror movies like to gratuitously torture their characters, which is supposed to be “scary.” Strangely, I’m always left disgusted rather than spooked. Other films have such little character development and rely heavily on the killings of teenagers in the woods that I wind up yawning for a prolonged period of time. Needless to say, my jaw hurts after my yawnfest. I’d prefer to be scared stupid. Maybe even pee a wee bit in my pantolones.
Despite the many, many, many cheap, poorly written, acted and directed horror films, there are ones that redeem the genre. There are good films out there that keep the viewer on the edge of their seats without relying on gratuitous torture or shallow characters who die a painfully graphic death. These films are the ones I seek out. The ones that I devour when I unearth their wondrous secrets. They may be in small supply, but they do exist. I assure you, I have seen some. So without further adieu, I present you with movies to watch and movies to stay far far away from.
Cloverfield
(3 stars)
This film is shot as if someone had a digital camera throughout the entire movie and was running along with the action. The video tape was recovered after all the mayhem occurred and that is the film we the audience are experiencing. It feels like it could be a ride at Universal Studios where the seats move as you watch the film. It is fun, different and cool to see done on a large budget for a change. I enjoyed being a part of the action. Unfortunately, the ending left me unsatisfied. Thankfully there was enough awesomeness (ie, giant creature, one building collapsing into another, headless Statue of Liberty) to make up for it.
The Breakdown: Suspense is guaranteed. Big effects are guaranteed. Most importantly, fun is guaranteed. Cloverfield isn’t a masterpiece, but it is a thrill ride!
Candyman
(0 stars)
Painfully bad film. Maybe it was freaky in 1992, but this film did not age well at all. Very few scares. The Candyman came off as corny and I’m not referring to candy corn. I speak of stale boredom worthy corn that you wouldn’t even imagine inserting into your mouth. I really don’t get why it’s scary if a homicidal killer from the 1800’s haunts one character’s head (Virginia Madsen), but somehow manages to kill people in real life. Then this character appears crazy, saves a baby, there are bees that come out of the killer’s mouth, and... and.... I can’t go on.
The Breakdown: Never see this film unless you are nostalgic for a bad nineties horror film. Then see it and you can come to me afterwards and I will laugh in your face for having wasted precious moments of your life that will never return.
The Crazies
(2 stars)
Well, it wasn’t as crazy as it could have been. The casting was great and the action at times, intense. Especially when Judy (Radha Mitchell) was strapped to a gurney and a psycho farmer was killing people with a pitchfork. With little story, it was mainly about running away before either the crazies killed or the military completely destroyed the small town. The ending, like many horror films, left me unsatisfied. Of course it leaves it open for the possibility of a sequel, but the sequel seems like it would be much more interesting than this film. Especially due to the hinted choice of location for “The Crazies 2.” So after viewing this film, I am left wondering why they didn’t make the more interesting film, the first time around.
The Breakdown: It’s a good watch; however, don’t put it on the top of your list. The title of the film is slightly misleading. It should be called “The Docile Crazies.”`
Drag Me To Hell
(2 and 1/2 stars)
Drag Me To Hell has everything that you want to see in a Halloween film. There is a creepy old gypsy woman who places a curse on Christine (Alison Lohman), terrifying and hilarious scenes with our lead character being tormented, and of course psychics battling the devil spirit who is trying to drag Christine to the depths of hell.
Christine is a sad character who is battling for a promotion. As a viewer I was rooting for her, even when she had to make a tough decision at her job. She is someone who does not deserve to be cursed and yet she finds herself in the most unpleasant of pickles. I think it is her genuine pleasantness, which makes her struggle with an old gypsy woman and the devil spirit who has come for her that much more harrowing. Her meekness as the victim enhances the audiences’ connection to her as a character that they can relate to or feel for.
The Breakdown: This highly entertaining film will satisfy your horror movie taste buds and teach you the most valuable of lessons. Always, give creepy old woman what they want. Especially if they beg.
The Exorcist
(4 stars)
After all of my 23 years frolicking about on this earth, I had yet to see the scariest movie ever made. Never being that much into horror movies until recently, there wasn’t a desire to go out and watch it. Thanks to my Fiance, I now completely embrace horror movies for their wonderful ability to scare the living daylights out of me. That is, if they do what they are supposed to do.
Upon viewing The Exorcist, I was amazed at how terrifying the movie still was. After all these years, it is more frightening than most of the horror films produced today. Witnessing a young girl (Linda Blair) become the devil and in one scene spew out curse words while stabbing her genitalia with a cross, then telling her mom to lick it, left me spooked. The combination of a possessed girl, her psychotic actions, and the R rating, allowed for this film to get under my skin and leave me creeped out to the tenth degree.
Ellen Burstyn was heartbreaking as the distraught mother who is desperately trying to seek help. With no scientific options left, she turns to her faith. It is her emotional distress, which grounds the movie, acting as a doorway into how we the audience should feel about an innocent child becoming possessed.
I believe this film works so well because it plays so close to everyone’s deepest fear, a loved one contracting a devastating illness (in this case, becoming possessed) that there is no cure for. The “illness” takes the person over so much so, that you can’t even recognize them physically or mentally. It is like they are someone else entirely. Mix in Satin, and you’ve got a deadly brew on your hands. One that people will still be talking about 30+ years later.
The Breakdown: If you haven’t seen this film, run out and see it immediately. It will brighten your day.
Slither
(1 star)
Minor laughs and dreadfully bad character development. It may be a horror comedy, but if I don’t give a hoot about any of the characters, then there’s no point to the movie. Nathan Fillion was a waste. His character was given nothing of note to do and essentially just walked or ran through the film. Elizabeth Banks was great as the distraught wife whose husband is the first to turn into the slither creature. Unfortunately, the film fell flat due to it’s mediocrity. It merely existed.
There were a couple memorable scenes. The woman who couldn’t stop eating was sad, but kind of funny at the same time. The teenage girl who gets attacked by the slugs in the bathtub, was intense. Especially when her slug possessed family try to kill her as she is trapped in a car. Little kids as zombie-like creatures equals hilarity.
The Breakdown: Great potential wasted on lackluster plot, boring characters, and not enough laughs and scares for a horror comedy. If it’s on TV watch it, but there is no need to seek this film out.
The Stepfather
(4 stars)
This forgotten gem from 1986 delivers equal part story, character, and horror/suspense. A man marries into families, which ultimately disappoint him for one reason or another. Then he sees fit to brutally kill them, change his identity and move on to the next unsuspecting family. Disturbing and impossible not to be sucked into.
Perhaps I’m partial to the homicidal maniac at the film’s center; however, Terry O’Quinn does give a chilling performance that makes Lost’s Man in Black look tame. We know that he is a murderer from the first scene and this keeps things tense throughout the rest of the film as he moves on to his next family/victims. He seems to be genuinely nice and at times I even like him. Yet, little absurd outbursts kept creeping in to remind the audience of his insanity and keep the tension rising. It was especially twisted when he accused a boy of rape when he kissed his stepdaughter or when he had a “talk” with his stepdaughter’s therapist.
The Breakdown: This film has everything a Halloween movie needs to have. From the sick serial killer to the brutal deaths, it features a psycho who doesn’t hide behind a mask and gives the viewer someone more chilling than Michael Myers or Jason, a villain grounded in reality. Where other films seem far fetched, this has the right mix of absurdity and realism to make it believable.
28 Weeks Later
(2 and 1/2 stars)
Oh the sequel. Trying to cash in on the original film’s success. Often times it’s a lackluster imitation of a film that didn’t require any additional story. In this case, 28 Weeks Later wisely leaves the original cast in their own movie and tells it’s own story. With all new characters, the only connection between the two films is the outbreak of the rage virus and the setting, England.
After 28 weeks, the rage virus has been contained and the U.S. military begins to move the survivors back into safe sections of London. Of course, something goes wrong and we have another outbreak. Cue mass killings and crazed, bloody people.
The first half of the movie does a great job of developing characters that we like and ones who disgust us for their cowardice actions. Then instead of maintaing the story and the great characters that inhabit it, the film abruptly turns into a “run for your life or we are going to die!” flick. Don’t get me wrong, there are some memorable scenes during this section of the film. Most notably when U.S. snipers are killing everyone in their sights and when the main characters find themselves in a pitch black subway tunnel. The only thing to guide them is the night vision sight on a sniper rifle. One word... cool!
The Breakdown: Despite it’s shortcomings, 28 Weeks Later is a film to see. It starts with great potential, but trails off into a cliche. Still, this is enough to carry the film to the traditional horror flick finale. All these elements combine to make a film that warrants at least one viewing.
American Werewolf In London
(1 and 1/2 stars)
I wasn’t that impressed with this film. My ears had received news that this was a truly scary flick injected with a healthy dose of humor. Alas, my ears had deceived me and my eyes read reviews that rattled on about “one of the scariest movies ever made.” I suppose my hopes were raised too high for a dated 1981 film.
Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the werewolf transformation scene and parts of the film; however, I didn’t understand why or how David (David Naughton) was able to communicate with his dead friend and people he mauled to death. So in addition to becoming a werewolf, he could talk to people who were killed by werewolves? That pushed things too far in my opinion. Some of the funniest dialogue came from his conversations with dead people, but at the expense of making an already far fetched story even more far fetched. It leapt into another stratosphere of far fetchidity that no werewolf could ever retrieve it from hokeyness.
The Breakdown: A slow paced film that relied more on humor than scares. I wish it took itself more seriously and went deeper into the horrors of a werewolf in a major city.
Splinter
(3 and 1/2 stars)
For an independent film, they definitely knew how to work on a limited budget. With only a few locations and most of the movie taking place at a gas station, the film, especially the effects appear to look like big budget Hollywood. The main difference, this movie mainly focused on creating 3-dimensional characters as opposed to pounding grotesque horror scenes down the audiences’ throat. There were quite a few cringe worthy parts, but it all fit perfectly within the context of the film.
The splinter creatures were disturbingly twisted due to their ability to infect living organisms with their spikes and transform animals or humans into highly deformed spike wobbling things. It was especially discomforting and slightly funny when a person infected loses a body part and that body part functions on its own. Acting at a cellular level, this body part would stop at no end to infect another living creature.
Trapped in a gas station, the main characters had no where to run and no way of contacting the outside world. As a viewer, I felt claustrophobia engulfing my mind. It was as if the walls of the small gas station were closing in and when it appeared like help had arrived or there was a possible means to an end, the walls squeezed the characters tighter. Splinter did an excellent job of building tension and keeping the viewer immersed in the action and drama throughout the duration of the film.
The Breakdown: Intense film featuring a creeptastic creature. Plenty of horror filled moments that will keep you entertained and clutching the person’s arm next to yours until it becomes slightly discolored. Oh yes, it’s one of THOSE movies.
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