Haywire (1/2 Star)

My need to view a solid action movie was soaring to unprecedented heights. Far too much time had passed since I had the pleasure of viewing a solid, gritty, suspense thriller. I was more than ready to dive into an action packed world of awesomeness and let my eyes be dazzled more than a diamonds' dazzleyness. 

This star studded movie may have under performed at the box office, but the reviews were strong. What could go wrong? Haywire sounded like a surefire win. Error. Error. System error. My eyes winced in agony and my brain pounded continuously around in my noggin as I watched this film. I had chosen... poorly.  

It was apparent that the movie wasn't going to satisfy my action movie craving from the get go. The actress cast as the lead, Gina Carano, was quite capable of handling the action portions of the film however, when it came time to act, it was clear that she lacked the neccessary experience. 

This was amplified when the rest of the cast that populated the movie were anywhere near her. The more seasoned folks like Michael Douglas, Channing Tatum, Antonio Banderas, Bill Paxton, Ewan McGregor, and Michael Fassbender made Gina Carano's performance look even more amateur. Putting a professional fighter into a central role opposite these individuals was a puzzling casting decision. 

It was distracting watching Gina Carano "act" like a real person. I mean, giving a robotic and emotionless performance might have worked if Gina were playing a robot. In this particular movie, I'm pretty positive she was supposed to be human. What was the clue that led me to this conclusion? Well, there was no mention of any robots or any moments including science fiction within the movie therefore, I believe that I successfully deduced that Gina's character was indeed supposed to be a human. So, for being a "human," it was difficult for me to feel any connection to her character whatsoever. 

Since we're on the topic of characters, all the characters lacked depth and had forgetable lines of dialogue that neglected to further the story along. One puzzling relationship was the hint at a romance between Gina Carano's character and Channing Tatum's character. That needed to be explored more and if done so, could have created much stronger characters that someone maybe might sorta have had a vested interest in. When the movie was all said and done, I cared nothing about any of the characters. Honestly, I don't even remember their names.

Haywire also struggled as it attempted to be an art house action film. The jazz score laid over the action scenes made it seem like the director, Steven Soderbergh, was going for an old fashioned sixties type spy movie feel. Instead, it ended up being bizarre when the main audio was muted in favor of music that didn't line up with the action taking place. I was jolted out of the movie throughout most of the action scenes. These are the moments that are supposed to redeem even badly written films! I found myself thinking, "No, not another boring action scene. Please, I'd rather have one of those boring scenes with talking." In case you didn't pick up on my inner thoughts just a moment ago, that's not a good sign when I'd rather watch a scene with useless and flat dialogue. 

In addition, the action scenes that did exist, were scarce. There were some good fist fighting moments, including one between Michael Fassbender and Gina Carano. Still, the action scenes felt like a sad imitation of the Bourne movies. Haywire was trying to be cool and landed as far away from the mark as possible.

Care to hear more issues with the film? Great! Let's continue. The story was extremely confusing. The editing was a failed attempt to tell the story out of order, most likely to try and make it interesting. That attempt did not work out. It just added confusion. From what I gathered, Gina Carano played some type of off the grid government agent. Then somehow she was the target. Add more confusion. Subtract common sense. Divide by boredom. That equals exactly what you think it equals... Huh?!?!?! 

I think it came down to Ewan McGregor's character getting revenge on Gina Carano's character. She apparantly broke up with him. I think that was essentially the gist of it all. Unfortunately, by the time I caught up with the mess of the so called story, I had already checked out of the film. Haywire required one to take extensive notes in order to understand anything that was going on.  Then, one would have to take those notes to a gibberish translator and have them piece them into a logical story.

The whole time I found myself yearning for suspenseful action movies that were done right. For example, The Italian Job, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol or Oceans Eleven (a good Steven Soderbergh film!). The audience knows who betrayed who and for what reason and there are great moments of comedy and action. The characters in those films are also fun to watch and I cared about where their stories were going.

Breakdown: Haywire had all the ingredients to be a great action thriller, but it let everything get jumbled so much, that I couldn't tell which way was up. The movie was a wasted a good cast and wasted money on a film that should have never been made in the first place. Steven Soderbergh appears to have lost his magical director touch. This film, like Contagion (another one of his films), did not devote enough time to character, leaving the audience clueless as to who they should be rooting for. Add in the jazzy score over the action, confusing story, lame action, and an inexperienced lead actress. All of that kept me from enjoying this very blah film. Skip this flick. You aren't missing anything unless you are looking for a good nap.

Daybreakers (2 and 1/2 Stars)

In a unique twist, vampires have consumed so much human blood, that they are now the dominant life form on the planet. Any humans not already turned into a blood sucking creature of the night, are either treated like crops in a disturbing blood harvesting plant  or are on the run from the ever so thirsty fanged immortals.

Sam Neil plays a deliciously evil antagonist, while Ethan Hawke works as a scientist attempting to find a blood substitute (all blood will be gone in less than a month!). If vampires don’t get their human blood, they start getting all crazy and creepy looking with giant wings (they represent the homeless population). Essentially, they become large bats that will even attack other vampires in order to get blood. Once they do this, they jump to the next level of crazy: batsh*t crazy. Obviously, a vampire drinking another vampires’ blood will make them a little cuckoo. I know if I drank another human's blood, I'd most likely be a a bit twisted in the noggin too. I don't ever plan on testing this theory of mine, rather I will trust in what I believe to be true. 


Tensions rise as it becomes apparent that a blood substitute won’t be possible. The film does a great deal right and the excitement buildup grows and grows until the final act of the film. Like so many other movies that have such a unique, promising premise, Daybreakers falls victim to the lame ending syndrome. It builds and intrigues with each new development. Then as if I was bitten and all the warm human blood flowing through my veins was replaced with vamp blood... it goes cold. The so called exciting ending seems too restrained and the final confrontation between Ethan Hawke and Sam Neil's characters, though good, lacked the oomph to push it into the realm of memorability. What I'm getting at is that the movie flatlined before the end credits rolled and didn't give a satisfying close to a truly original idea. Although the action was there in the end, the writers needed to expand the action out of the hallway of the blood harvesting plant and take the battle to a more exciting location(s). Perhaps incorporate some type of rooftop battle that begins in the night and escalates to when the sun begins to rise. This potentially, could have been more visually stunning and helped the action build, literally, to more exciting heights. 


*Let's pause a moment for an advertisement (courtesy of me) from this gloomy futuristic world.*

Good news sunophobiacs! Say hypothetically, you have a strong urge to take a joy ride through the city in the middle of the day, but don't want to get the worst sunburn of your life. Fear not! You can drive the new completely blacked out, Mercedes VXM. It relies on cameras outside the vehicle channeling your surroundings onto TV's within the vehicle. This allows even the palest vampire to get out and see the world. So if you're craving an early morning snack from the local diner or want to visit the blood bank across town, choose Mercedes VXM. Now, darkness can now be your friend, even in the day!


*End of advertisement. Thank you for reading and I hope this further demonstrated some of the unique ideas present within the film.*


Also, I would have liked to have been scared more. The movie played like a thriller and that worked fine, but it missed opportunities to capitalize on the horror of everything that was taking place. I mean, there are vampires everywhere you looked. Give me more horror! Perhaps additional development and screen time with the human characters would have created more hair raising moments. Alas, we shall never know. 

The Breakdown: Daybreakers turns the traditional vampire story on its head and creates a wonderfully dark world where most everyone lives forever. The population deals with unique problems (Coffee drops down to having only 5% blood in it- No! I need my blood!). It is exciting to watch and will keep you entertained. Unfortunately, it misses key moments to up the action and the horror, leaving it just a little above average. 

The Bottom Line: If you like vampire movies and are looking for something different from the usual tales spun, take a bite out of this flick.

The Avengers (4 Stars)

Superhero films of recent tend to start strong with the introductory film, get even better with film number two, and then end each of their franchises with a near unwatchable final installment. This can be witnessed in the Spiderman trilogy (Spiderman 3 featured emo Peter Parker and cheese festival host Sandman), X-Men trilogy (X-Men 3 = death of most of the characters), and the nineties Batman movies (Batman-Batman and Robin (Mr. Freeze?!)). The films try to out do their predecessors and usually add too many characters and a bloated storyline. With so much going on, a viewer's mind spins to dizzying heights. As if that isn't enough, the writing and acting magically get worse with these later films and leave individuals mourning for the glory days of the earlier movies. In some extreme cases, I have even pretended that a film or two were never made in order to mend my saddened heart. I call these instances, moments of SuPer-MInd-BloCKaGe! Not just any average individual has this power. It is a rare gift. I'm able to achieve this by watching the good super hero movies over and over again so that the distant memory of the final film seems like a bad dream. Once I have achieved SuPer-MInd-BloCKaGe!, then I can go on living my life in joyous bliss.

To be honest, before seeing The Avengers I had my concerns that I may have had to use this memory blockage technique after viewing the movie. In my opinion, the movie was a big gamble in the good quality film department. I had no doubt that it would be a tremendous financial success. How could it not? Four of the six main characters in The Avengers have had varying levels of success with their stand alone franchises, however my main concern going in was, would the amount of iconic heroes in one movie lower the amount of story that each received and limit their screen time? In addition, would merging these worlds lessen the stand alone stories that each character has previously had?

The Iron Man movies were technology based. There weren't any supernatural, otherworldy beings present. In a sense, they were more grounded in reality. Then you take a look at Thor's world and he is part of an alien race from another planet... That to me, is the reason I have never been a fan of merging superhero stories. Even when I think about the Justice League I have similar feelings. Batman and Superman have no business being together. Their worlds are too different. 

Well, my fears, concerns, and initial thoughts of "did they really need to make this movie?" were proven idiotic. Each character brought something unique to the movie and I greatly enjoyed seeing all their different worlds merge into one. All of the super heroes felt like they were destined to be a part of this story and this was achieved by having the little moments speak volumes. Every character, no matter how small of a role (Agent Phil Coulson brought a great deal of comedy and heart to the film) played an integral part in the movie. The movie wouldn't have been the same if any one of them weren't included. 


Another great example of a small role leaving a large impact can be seen with the Hulk. He didn’t have as big of a role as Iron Man, Thor, or Captain America, but Mark Ruffalo gave such a powerful performance that I felt connected with his character most of all. He added a great deal of humanity to the hulking green giant and offered up some of the most comedic moments in the film ("Puny God"=hahaha).

I especially liked how the egos of these characters, mainly Tony Stark and Thor’s, were let loose and there were moments of superheroes fighting each other, even though they were on the same side. This new, unexpected thrill was exciting to see. There were six heroes and only one main villain, yet the added struggle within the hodge podge group of supers created its own set of unique obstacles. It was terrifying watching Hulk chaotically search for Black Widow when the team was on the plane. I think that might have been the most intense scene within the entire movie and it was between two of the super heroes.

Villains are definitely as crucial to a superhero film as the heroes. Without a strong villain, the movie will fall flat. Tom Hiddleston successfully created a sinister character in the movie Thor and having his backstory laid out in a previous film helped strengthen the character as the main villain in the first Avengers movie. The audience already knew how bad he was. Now, we were expecting even more from his character. Loki is the embodiment of evil. I can picture his twisted smile in my head right now and I shudder. Tom Hiddleston played Loki flawlessly. He was an intelligent villain that had a plan that only made sense to him. He gave the heroes a run for their money and I believed that only this group, when united, could stop him and his army. 

The reason this film worked so well while other second or third super hero movie installments get lost in their own web of big budget chaos is due to the fact that the story was focused. The villain's goals were clear (take over Earth) and the heroes had to overcome their own egos in order to become a team that could save the world. The movie had big action scenes, yet never forgot the story that it was telling (take note Hollywood). It understood each of its characters and kept their backstories from prior films in mind while the new story unfolded. Not once did the movie have a scene that seemed unnecessary. Not once did the movie feel like it went off course. The Avengers could have easily been another lame action movie with a thin storyline however, it was instead a very focused film that effectively celebrated these superheros and created a movie that was not only entertaining, but also of good quality, a very rare combination. 

The Breakdown: This movie has everything you could ever hope for in a super hero film. It has great action scenes, truly funny moments, believable moments of drama, and characters that you actually care about. For once, a superhero movie that aimed to be bigger and better actually was BIGGER and BETTER. I’m already eager to see it again in the theaters. It may not be a deep and thought provoking film, but it successfully balances a plethora of ingredients into one amazing motion picture. Bottom Line, it is a larger than life Hollywood blockbuster that works. See The Avengers. See it now!

The Cabin In The Woods (3 and 1/2 Stars)

Think of every ridiculous horror movie cliche and stick those cheestastically scary moments into one film. Here's the cherry on top. The Cabin In The Woods knows how to use those horror movie cliches (example: creepy-old-tobacco-chewin'-run-down-gas-station-owner) and intentionally makes a fun film around them that never truly terrifies the viewer, yet still entertains exceptionally well. It weaves a simple story and adds enough over-the-top moments, that even as the film grows to ridiculous heights, I'm still okay with the absurdity of it all because I'm having a blast watching. The film even has a wonderful cameo from a sci-fi legend towards the end of the flick that just made me think, "of course it had to be THAT person." Knowing how to cater to his audience, Joss Whedon pulls off one of the best horror movies I've seen in a long time.

Even better, Scooby Doo and the gang are the stars of the adventure, well minus the dog. Alright, not exactly! I do get a strong Scooby Doo vibe emanating from the group though. This is definitely a  good thing. The characters feel familiar and each time they think they've solved the mystery, another twist is revealed (just like the cartoon!).  Especially with the inclusion of Marty, the pot head Shaggy character, Scooby Doo's scent is all over these cast of characters. They are a fun group and add a necessary amount of comedy to balance out the horror.

This film brilliantly breaks the fourth wall of the main story with Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford playing the men behind the curtain. The dialogue and chemistry between the two is such a riot. These two Office-like schlubs pull all the strings for the cabin and ensure that the "audience" gets a good show (sort of like Hunger Games). Naturally, there's more to it than that, but I'll let you discover the intricacies of it all for yourselves. 

It's fascinating hearing the two men decide how they are going to manipulate the woods to ensure that certain characters do certain things. For example, they have to ensure that all the characters get separated. No decent horror movie has everyone sticking together. I mean, that would make too much sense. Spreading out in a dark scary unknown environment is totally way smarter.

Obviously, there also has to be a scene of romance so the puppeteers inject some pheromones into the air to make sure the audience gets some nudity before the truly gory moments begin. What makes this work so well is it almost acts as a behind-the-scenes making of a horror movie documentary. The two men reveal all the different ingredients to choose from and once the story develops, they manipulate it in a way to insure that it is entertaining (which it is!) to their live audience. Who is this audience? We never really learn, but at the same time, it's not all that important. 

Just when you think the movie is wrapping up it jumps to a completely different level for the last third of the film. This portion of the movie is best described as a bloodbath featuring every horror movie creature creatively unveiled through elevators. To sum up it up in one word: Awesome.

The Breakdown: The Cabin In The Woods has the appropriate ingredients to create a memorable comedic horror film that will greatly entertain its viewers. The horror aspect isn't too scary, but at the same time it doesn't need to be. The film feels like a wild roller coaster and I may not have cringed as much as I have in other spine tingling movies however, the balance of everything stirred into this pot boiled over into one fantastic film. Watch this movie and be thoroughly engrossed with a movie from a genre that rarely gets it right.