My Favorite Movies To Hate

This is a warning! A very serious, important do-not-ignore type of warning. I advise you to avoid the following films at all cost! I don’t care if there is absolutely nothing on television, Netflix, Hulu, or from your own personal collection of movies that look more appealing to watch. Even if you are up late at night teetering between the land of awakening and the world of slumber, do not watch any of the following movies.

The films listed were released within the last ten years and are such a disgrace to the entertainment world, that I would recommend destroying any copy of them that you come across. Don’t just break the DVDs into tiny little itty bitty pieces and toss them into the trash. You have to go a step further. I’m talking about destroying them entirely, so that there isn’t one trace remaining. Now listen carefully. Write this down if you must. After you break the DVDs into tiny pieces, ingest them so that your stomach acid further destroys the abominations. If you’re not a fan of eating plastic, I’d recommend mixing the remnants into a salad. They actually add a nice texture and compliment Italian dressing quite well. Just make sure to chew thoroughly, in order to avoid sharp pieces ripping at your esophagus.

Now, you are probably wondering what movies deserve this fate. Wonder no more. Behold the horror! (In no particular order with spoilers running rampant)

1. License To Wed (2007): Mandy Moore and Jon Krasinski star in this poor excuse for a comedy. One silly escapade turns into another silly escapade as the two of them attempt to pass Robin Williams’ (playing a reverend with a little boy side kick... I won't go there) premarital tests. I had had enough when Robin Williams’ character gave them a creepy robotic baby to test their parenting skills. Actually turned this movie off because it was that unwatchable.
2. Step Brothers (2008): I’m sure I’ll get a lot of people going “Whaaaaaat?!” I thought this movie had such an absurd premise. Grown men acting like children. First they hate each other. Then they realize they have everything in common. Childish “comedy” is inserted everywhere. By some divine miracle, I didn’t turn this film off before it finished. It might of had a lot to do with the fact that I was bordering between the world of awakening and that of the slumber or I was too lazy to grab the remote. I hear rumors of a sequel in the works. I sure as hell hope that is not the case.
3. Blades of Glory (2007): Will Ferrell makes my list again! This film came highly recommended to me as “one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen!” The end credits couldn’t come soon enough. Stupid ridiculous humor is again present and Will Ferrell plays the same character who talks LOUDLY while doing another movie where he is inserted into some ridiculous profession. Aside from Anchorman, this formula has failed repeatedly.
4. The Other Guys (2010): Will Ferrell is on fire! I was stuck in a movie theater seeing this train wreck of a movie and the only reason I stayed, was due to the fact that I paid money to see it. I felt like I was being tortured. The best part of the film was Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne Johnson and they exited the movie early. I could care less about the other guys and would have preferred to have seen an entire movie with the cool guys. I mean, c'mon! They are the other guys for a good reason.  
5. Date Movie (2006): Took my lovely wife to see this in theaters back in 2006 on our first movie date. Sounds kinda cute, right? WRONG! This stupid film tried to combine a bunch of clichéd date movies into one and struck out repeatedly with stupid gross out humor. I'm surprised she still married me.
6. Funny Games (2007): Another movie that came highly recommended to moi. Let me tell ya, it was not one bit funny. Don't get me wrong, I like dark humor, but this movie was malicious. The two tormentors were violent and evil to an innocent family. Why? I have no idea. That was never explained. The best moment came when the family managed to kill one of the tormentors. I cheered like a crazed cheerleader. No lie. Then the most absurd thing happened. The other tormentor picked up a remote control and rewound the scene. His comrade in crime lives now. At no other point in the movie was the fourth wall broken in such a manner. It was the biggest and most infuriating WTF moment I have ever experienced. Such a waste of a talented cast. 
7. Evan Almighty (2007): A rare Steve Carell misfire. My lady and I thought we would take in a nice afternoon matinee and have a good laugh. Unfortunately, laughter was not in this film's DNA. I wanted to like this motion pic. I really did. I thought Steve Carell did a fine job. The movie's story just fell flat. It took the whole Noah's Arc story too literally as opposed to Bruce Almighty which took a more general approach to the almighty premise. This allowed for a wider and more creative amount of gags. 
8. Hostel (2005): The first half is a soft core porn. College kids go to this “cool untouristy” part of Europe. Then, the story abruptly turns into a sick torture fest with every gruesome detail depicted as realistically as possible. Instead of being scary, it opts to make you sick to your stomach. A weak story and lack of true scares makes this movie a must skip.  
9. X-Men The Last Stand (2006): "My name is Mr. Screenwriter. I don’t know how to end Mr. Singer’s brilliant X-Men trilogy. Hold that thought… I just got the bestest idea ever! I’ll just kill off most of the main characters. No one will see it coming and call me brilliant!" BAAAAAAAMP! Sorry, Mr. Screenwriter. You failed by creating a cheesy movie that needlessly killed off so many good mutants (Cyclops killed off screen... really?). 
10. Transformers (2007): Dear Michael Bay, when you have an overabundance of giant metal robot fighting mixed in with quick edits, there is no way the viewer can tell who’s fighting who. Then, you cast Shia Labarf and add a lamb story. Thanks for this piece of junkyard tin. I'll treasure it always.

I’m sure I’m missing some horrendous movies from the past ten years, but these are the ones that I have seen in their entirety (minus License to Wed) and would rank as absolutely unwatchable. Take this valuable knowledge with you so that you can battle against subpar movies that attempt to take you over and waste your precious time. Remember, if we the consumers, mindlessly consume movies like these, then they will continue to get made and our brains will undoubtedly turn to slush.

What are some of the worst movies you have seen? Please warn others before it's too late. 

American Reunion (1 and 1/2 Stars)

Oh, American Reunion... so unexpected and so so so unnecessary. Sure it was nice to see everyone from the original movie back together again however, when there isn't much of a story to tell and the story that is told, is not anything significant, then why on earth tell it?

The movie did what I suppose most high school reunions do, relive the memories of old times. Only, since I'm fairly positive that there are still copies of the original American Pie floating around, those memories can be relived just by watching the original film. This addition to the American Pie catalog felt like a B-movie. Dare I say, even straight to DVD type quality. The comedy was there at times, but often felt like a sad immitation of the much better, earlier films. 

Sean William Scott was back as the crazy Stifmeister and even his character came across as a water downed version of his former self. His office job story was lame (liked the gym coach from American Wedding better) and didn't produce laughs... wait. Come to think of it. I don't believe I laughed at all during this film. I was mildly amused at times, yet laughter was not produced from my gut. How odd. 

Moving on to the next issue. The female characters. None of them were given anything funny or memorable to do other than just stand around. I understand that the movies are from the guys' points of view, but give the women in the film some type of interesting story lines. Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) played her ditzy character from previous films as a sad mopey dopey boring betty. The movie sorely missed that spunky Michelle from the earlier films. 

Ready for more disappointment? The meeting of Jim's Dad and Stifler's Mom had epic written all over it. Then the writer's forgot the epic part. We had a great set up. The two are together, alone, and in a bedroom. They drink alcohol and then... the fuzz show up. SO FUNNY! Me laugh big time. NOT! Thanks for a great shoulda coulda woulda chicken out and do nothing moment.

When looking at this film as a whole. I think it's main issue (aside from poorly written comedy) was that there were too many different stories going in different directions. There's the main story with the characters trying to reconnect with their high school days. Then each character individually has their own side story, none of which are that interesting or funny. For example: I like the character Oz, but I really didn't miss him when he was MIA in American Wedding and would have liked to have seen more of the feud type situations between Stifler and Finch (was Finch even in this movie?). Oz's unfunny dancing with the stars story line was weak and the movie would have survived without it, thus clearing up additional room for other characters (i.e. Kevin, Vikki, Finch, Michelle).

The Breakdown: I suppose in a way, American Reunion did its job. It made me reminisce about moments from past American Pie films. Perhaps I will go back and watch those because this lackluster flick failed to create new and memorable comedic moments. Hopefully if more movies are made, they'll be worth my time (Suggestions: American Road Trip, American Mid-Life Crisis, American Retirement).

Mission Impossible-Ghost Protocol (3 Stars)

To begin, I would like to state that I am not a big Mission Impossible fan or MissIm fan as the true fans prefer to be called. Nor am I that big of a Tom Cruise fan (although I do enjoy many of the movies he has done). Mostly I don’t find his cocky know it all character that he plays repeatedly, to be all that likeable. Then again, he sure knows how to pick good movies to star in.

Time for a brief history lesson from my movie viewing diary. I have viewed the original film years ago and enjoyed it. Films two and three looked entertaining, but I never got around to seeing them. The fact that Brad Bird directed and JJ Abrams produced this new installment sold me on renting this action flick. Phew! Now that I have cleared that up and it is understood where I am coming from in the MissIm world, the review may commence.

Unique, elaborate, and exciting action sequences can be found in abundance. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) climbs the outside of the world’s tallest building in Dubai, participates in a car chase through a sand storm with zero visibility, and has one incredible final face off with the villain in the most elaborate parking garage I’ve ever seen.

The story is intricate, like the action scenes, with a bit too many twists and turns going on to comprehend fully. Granted, I did view the film in three separate sittings. Yes, three sittings. How embarrassing. Apparently I was sleep deprived this past week. That kind of tired when your eyes burn as  soon as you  close them. So that could be one factor as to why I was having difficulty following some portions of the story. Despite this minor hiccup, I do strongly believe things were all over the place. As if the writers threw so much at the screen so that the viewer would have no choice but be sucked in, attempting to follow along (perhaps even taking notes). Confusion and chaos can definitely do that. Add an action sequence every five minutes and the average bloke will clap in delight.

Most of the time I felt like I was watching a video game played out in movie form. First there is, “here is your mission, if you choose to accept it…” Ethan Hunt goes from point A to point B. Complete. Point B to point C. Complete. This continues throughout the movie. Don’t get me wrong, its still a very exciting movie, but it felt like a cool action video game. Most notably, when Ethan Hunt is in a car chase in a sandstorm. He is using a tracking device on his phone. It shows his position and his target's position. Ethan keeps looking at this map on his phone as if it were one of those maps that is placed in the corner of the screen in a video game. To me, this was slightly distracting. I kept thinking to myself, video game much. 

Jeremy Renner becomes a great asset to the cast and I enjoyed his backstory, which included twists I could follow. He is an actor that I find myself immediately drawn to and would enjoy seeing him play a bigger role in the next film (yes, I believe there will be a fifth movie). I would have also liked to have seen more of Josh Halloway’s (LOST!) character. My LOST fanness may have leaked out a bit there. Sorry about that. I just miss the show so much! Anyways, his character was a blur and I think if we got to know him more, then the events that transpired surrounding his character would have had a greater impact on the audience understanding the emotional state of Paula Patton's character. 

The Breakdown: This film packs in the action and is a great popcorn flick. It has many twists and turns and will keep you entertained throughout. I plan on going back to watch the first three films because I did feel there were some references, especially towards the end, that I was missing. Still, if you haven't seen the other films, you will still enjoy this one. 

Bottom line: See Mission Impossible-Ghost Protocol if you’re craving a fun, well made action movie (Similar to James Bond, 24, etc.).

Titanic 3D (4 Stars)

It’s amazing to think that one hundred years after the original Titanic disaster, people are still entranced by this epic event. Now Titanic, the film, has set sail once again. It has returned to theaters after its maiden voyage in 1997 and this time, James Cameron has converted it into 3D (only cost $18 million to do. No big deal)! The movie easily made up its miniscule additional costs (made over $25 million its first weekend back in theaters) and added to the original film’s already historic box office gross (over $1.8 billion worldwide and counting). Avatar is the only film that has grossed more in theaters. Movie goers clearly are still running out to see Leo and Kate together on the big screen.

Truthfully, I was indifferent to the whole rerelease. I remember enjoying Titanic, but going to see it in theaters again and pay extra for 3D glasses was not something I was that enthused about doing. Fortunately for me, I have an amazing wife who happens to love the movie and my presence was requested (aka required). To my amazement, I was blown away by the film all over again!

The tragic sinking of the ship is now more harrowing to witness. As a viewer, I felt even closer to the tragedy. Not just due to the 3D, but also because I am older now and was able to understand and appreciate the story in a much different way. It definitely made me feel very fortunate that I have so much time to spend with the one I love. 

Now some may have been skeptical of what I would still consider a gimmick to attract more people to theaters however, one can’t deny that 3D, when done right, truly enhances a film. It adds depth to the movie. Sure I wondered if this meant people jumping off the ship during its final minutes would be flying at my face. Worse yet, would people be bobbing in the water and crowd my personal space? I mean, I don’t need to get that close to dead frozen people in the water. I’d prefer to observe from a safe distance. My idiotic fears were put to rest after viewing the motion picture and the 3D was clearly done tastefully and did not disrupt from the flow of the story.

My only gripe is that with the movie being over three hours long, my back and neck started to hurt and were slightly distracting me from fully enjoying the movie. I know for next time, that I should properly stretch before seeing such long films. Perhaps some yoga would have been beneficial or hot yoga, which I hear is all the rage. Working out until I almost faint sounds quite appealing. Then, once awakened and in a groggy state, I can enjoy a tragic tale on the big screen with zero pain. Well, at least I know what to do for the inevitable Lord Of The Rings in 3D.

The Breakdown: Titanic still holds up by today’s movie making standards. It is a film that has everything you ever wish to see in a movie. There is a tragic tale of forbidden romance separated by the rich and poor classes (Romeo and Juliet much?!). Then there is also a great action/disaster picture that takes up the last third of the movie. Tensions run high as Jack and Rose try to survive. Is there any great movie moment that this film doesn’t have? Me thinks not. I declare this movie: a masterpiece.

The Big Year (1 and 1/2 Stars)

The Big Year has a solid cast of comedians. A movie with Steve Martin, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson sounds like it has the potential to be a great comedy. Maybe even a HI-larious one. Yes I went there. The next level of hilarity was assumed when popping this flick into my good old DVD player. I mean, I rented the movie expecting to, at the very least, get a few hearty chuckles out of the deal. That’s when the movie’s first mistake became crystal clear. I was watching a “comedy” that lacked comedy! The horror of this realization was unbearable. I’ll save you from the bloody and somewhat boring details. Let’s just say, I was bummed. So bummed, that it felt like a bummerang had hit me upside the head repeatedly. (Note: A bummerang is an evolved boomerang that specifically seeks out individuals who are bummed and  hits them upside the head in hopes of breaking their bummed out demeanor (Note note: It is advised to avoid being bummed out, otherwise the bummerang will find you and it will hurt))

Mistake number two: The film takes place over the course of a year. The three main characters are attempting to spot over seven hundred birds. The movie felt like it was moving too fast. Each scene was too fleeting and as a viewer, I never felt like I could settle into the story. The film was essentially, an extended montage with dialogue. Each of the characters had personal obstacles to deal with, but since the film was told over such a long period of time (one year), the personal obstacles seemed like they were never fully addressed. More notably, Owen Wilson’s character’s marital problems seemed glossed over at times.

Mistake number three: The rivalry between the characters was downplayed. I would have liked to have seen Owen Wilson play a more ruthless competitor. Instead he meandered from random US location to random US location. There was a possible gold mine of potential for comedy if his character was allowed to be a bit more wild and unpredictable.

Mistake number four: Steve Martin and Jack Black’s characters should have formed a friendship sooner and had more of an odd couple type of relationship. They need each other yet they don’t necessarily compliment one another well therefore, crazy hijinks would ensue.

Mistake number five: This was a comedy without laughs! Oh wait…. I said that one already. Hmmm. Well it’s just that darn important. Where has all the laughter gone? Did the birds steal it away? Why was the film so tame and cautious (PG rating)? I wanted the writers to up the ante. Hiking in the mountains could lead to dangers with cliffs or the wildlife. Snorkling to find rare sea birds could lead to splish splash fun or maybe one of the characters tries to cheat and go to a bird sanctuary. I don’t know! Anything could have been done to improve this laughless motion picture.

The Breakdown: If you are someone who thinks bird watching is entertaining, then by all means, enjoy this middle of the road film. Personally, I felt the movie desperately needed a laugh track to inform the viewer of the appropriate times to laugh. Honestly, it pains me to say this, since I like the cast, but I would pass on this film. It really isn’t worth your time.

In Time (2 and 1/2 Stars)

You know those really intense scenes in movies or TV shows when a bomb slowly ticks closer and closer to zero... well that's what most of In Time feels like. Everyone within the film ages until they are 25, then one year starts ticking down on their arm (like a time bomb). Once their self-timer hits zero, they explode into a million gagillion pieces. Just kidding! That would be excessively morbid. No, what actually happens is a complete shut down of their body. Many people in the film walk around the dead because people timing out is common in the poorer time zones. People work to get more time or find other ways to acquire time (i.e. stealing, gambling, etc). Essentially, time is the currency. Most people live day to day, with only minutes to spare. Others can live forever and still look like 25 year olds. How sweet is that?!

In Time has many unique moments and is an enjoyable film to watch. Me being a sci-fi fan, I am partial to it, yet I still recognize that the film does in fact, fail to cash in on its great concept. The story, though compelling, feels like it needs more. The final act never jumps to the next level and delivers an epic finale. It falls flat by getting wrapped up in cliche-ville. Just because time is used as a substitute for money, doesn't mean we need a steal from the rich and give to the poor scenario. I understand why the film was written that way and it did go full circle. I wish it veered a little more off course in order to create something more memorable, like the film's fantastic concept.

The lead characters, played well by Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried, find each other at a wealthy party. Justin Timberlakes' character, Will, is on the run from the time keepers, who believe he has stolen time because he jumped time zones. Amanda Seyfried's, Sylvia, is a spoiled young woman shielded from life by her over protective father. With an intense car chase, a life risking game of arm wrestling, and a great gambling scene where, you guessed it, people gamble with time, the movie has a decent amount of great moments. It just never jumps to the next level. The film's final act isn't grand and epic. !!!Spoiler!!! Sure the lead characters steal from the rich, a bank and Sylvia's dad, in order to give to the poor. It is a very grand gesture however, the idea feels too familiar.

The Breakdown: If you are a sci-fi fanatic, then I would recommend watching this flick. It can be both thought provoking and with time constantly ticking away, is a nail biter. I wish it had a darker cinematic look and had a more memorable final act. Sure bank robbing can be exciting, but I felt this film needed to be bigger or more clever than ramming a giant truck into a time bank. Perhaps an elaborate heist to steal time. Also, Sylvia's father never felt like a villain. He just wanted to live forever. Perhaps if he had a more sinister side, the film could have had an additional layer. Overall, In Time is a decent sci-fi movie that is good to rent. It will entertain you and adds a nice twist with the metaphor of people desperately needing time instead of money. The idea of money takes on new weight as it literally means life and death for people.

Contagion (1 Star)

Contagion is contagiously boring. It is a movie that had the potential to be exciting and dramatic however, it gets lost with too many characters each having their own small stories. Not once did I feel connected to any of the well-known actors cast and not once was I ever interested in any of their stories. Contagion has several shortcomings but the lack of intriguing stories and waste of talented actors are the two major offenders.

Excessively bad montage alert! I’m sorry to spoil this for the people who have not seen this film (and if you haven’t, you're lucky), but I feel compelled to educate all those filmmakers out there on what not to do with montages throughout your film. Don’t create montages of people doing mundane tasks. Nobody cares. Don’t create montages with cheesy music. This severely loses an audience members’ interest in the montaging that is occurring. Don’t create montages that wouldn’t be missed if they were cut out of the film. Seriously, the only thing these pointless montages achieved was further slowing down the momentum of the film. Since the film barely had any momentum to begin with, the montages most definitely added salt to this wounded motion picture.

The Breakdown: Honestly, if you like the idea of Contagion (mass epidemic sweeps the world), then watch the magnificently made Outbreak starring Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, and Morgan Freeman. It has the right amount of action, drama, and characters you can actually get behind. Bottom Line: Contagion is easily skippable.